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post #1 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-14-2008, 06:07 PM Thread Starter
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Talking Joke of the day

Red Neck Vacation


Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"



Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."
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post #2 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-14-2008, 09:31 PM
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Hahahahahahaha
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post #3 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-15-2008, 08:59 AM Thread Starter
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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150. " The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5000 to have your wife shipped home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and it would only cost you $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."




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post #4 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-15-2008, 09:02 AM
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post #5 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-16-2008, 11:20 AM Thread Starter
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One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So He called one of His angels to go to earth for a time.. When he returned, he told God,

'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down another angel to get a second opinion.' So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time, too. When the angel returned he went to God and said,

'Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5 % who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

No?

Okay, just checking with you. I didn't get one either




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post #6 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-16-2008, 11:56 PM Thread Starter
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One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife. One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven."

God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish," God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell." So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The brother in Heaven turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad."

God explained, "Things are not always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."




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post #7 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-17-2008, 12:00 AM Thread Starter
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A man walks into a bar one night, goes up to the bar, and asks for a beer.

“Certainly, sir, that’ll be one cent.”

“One penny?!” exclaimed the guy.

“That’s right.” The barman replied.

So the guy glanced over at the menu, and asked, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?”

“Certainly sir,” replied the bartender, “but all that comes to real money.”

“How much money?”

“Four cents,” the barman said.

“Four cents?! Where’s the guy who owns this place?”

The barman replied, “Upstairs with my wife.”

“What’s he doing with your wife?”

The bartender smiled. “Same as what I’m doing to his business.”




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post #8 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-17-2008, 12:03 AM Thread Starter
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You might be a redneck if...

More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.

You think the stock market has a fence around it.

You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.

You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.

Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.

Your home has more miles on it than your car
You might be a redneck if...

Your Christmas tree is still up in February.

You've ever been arrested for loitering.

You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.

You own a homemade fur coat.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've totaled every car you've ever owned
You might be a redneck if...

You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.

You're an expert on worm beds.

The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"

Your family tree does not fork.

The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.

You haul more than U-Haul.

Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"

There is a gun rack on your bicycle.

Your wedding was held in the delivery room
You've ever made change in the offering plate.

The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."

You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.

You own at least 20 baseball hats.

You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.

You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.

Your screen door has no screen.

yor grandma comes outta the bathroom and says "look at this before i flush it!"




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post #9 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-17-2008, 08:16 PM Thread Starter
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A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.

"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."




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post #10 of 22 (permalink) Old 01-24-2008, 06:34 PM Thread Starter
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One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back.
He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.
His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.



By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.



Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.



He whispered back, " I found the remote."




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